I thought I’d take a minute to jot down all of the things I’ve had on my mind lately. Well, not ALL the things or you’d be reading a whole lot of crazy…. 🙂
A few weeks ago we had a Relief Society enrichment night on inner beauty. A better title might be “How to be alright with how you look and how your life is.” Not hating something about yourself when you look in the mirror, not hating the number you see on the scale every time you look at it, stretch marks, not hating how your house looks when someone stops by- all of those things that we do if things aren’t perfect. First of all, it was nice to see that everyone does that (I’m not some lone freak who has those self-depricating moments). But the best part of the night was realizing that I love all of my friends despite the fact that they’re not models or swimsuit season ready and their kids make messes (thank goodness!)- and I love them all!!- and I can love myself the same way. And by saying this, this is not some kind of admission that I wallow in self-pity or think I’m some low level of ugly. I’m nice to myself, and if my number on the scale is higher than I’d like, I give myself a pep-talk- “You’ve just had two babies. The weight always comes off eventually. Keep working on it.” Still, it’s on my mind more than I’d like. Part of the challenge was to not step on the scale for 10 days. It was the best 10 days ever! It was so liberating! I loved every moment! Still, I also learned that the number on the scale is a good motivator for me to make good food choices- so I’m back to checking in- but I think it is healthy to take periodic vacations from the scale.
On Sunday I had a fun moment with Cayden on the back porch. We saw a bird searching for worms (which is fun already) but then we saw this mommy bird fly up and feed her baby and then hunt for more worms. She did this several times and Cayden and I just sat together and watched. It was one of those golden moments, sun starting to set, quiet moments. Monday after school Ashlyn found a dead baby bird below the nest. I was so sad. I put on gloves and picked it up. It was such a perfect baby. It didn’t have feathers yet so you could see it’s perfect, tiny veins. It was so fragile and tiny. I carried it to the garbage can and stood there for a few minutes. It seemed so sad to throw this baby away. We’d just weeded so I nestled it in with the grasses in our garbage can and it seemed like a soft way to go. I could not stop thinking about this baby. Every time I threw away garbage I would put it anywhere else except for the grasses. Tuesday night I had everyone in bed, Matt was in meetings, Cayden was getting a drink before going to bed and I had him grab his shoes so we could take a walk around the block together. We snuck out the back door so we wouldn’t disturb any curious children and started walking. As we walked we started to talk- the only rule was that you couldn’t talk about books or electonic games (there is a reason for that rule)- and I found myself talking about that little baby bird. I needed closure and Cayden was kind of joking but serious too- we needed to bury that little baby. So in the dusk of the night I dug a hole, carried that little baby over and buried it. It was like a burden had been lifted. I felt so much joy! I know it seems silly, or like over-kill, but any mommy would want that for her baby.